Why does dating, especially in the modern era with apps and endless profiles, so often feel like a frustrating and exhausting chore instead of an enjoyable and organic process? Are we approaching it with the wrong mindset or expectations? Is it the volume of choices leading to decision fatigue and superficial judgments? Or is the pressure to present a curated version of ourselves online contributing to the lack of authenticity and genuine connection that makes dating feel like work? I’m curious about the psychological, sociological, and technological factors contributing to this widespread feeling.

Answer

Dating can feel like a chore for a multitude of reasons, often stemming from a combination of internal pressures, external factors, and the nature of the dating process itself.

• Time Commitment: Modern dating, especially with the prevalence of online platforms, demands a significant investment of time. Creating and maintaining profiles, swiping through potential matches, engaging in conversations, scheduling dates, and then actually going on those dates can consume a large portion of one’s week. This time commitment can feel burdensome, particularly for individuals with already demanding schedules or those who prioritize other aspects of their lives.

• Emotional Labor: Dating requires emotional availability and effort. It involves putting yourself out there, being vulnerable, and navigating potential rejection. The emotional labor of crafting engaging messages, managing expectations, dealing with ghosting or unenthusiastic responses, and processing the outcomes of dates can be emotionally draining. Constantly analyzing interactions and questioning compatibility adds to this fatigue.

• Repetitive Interactions: Many dating experiences feel repetitive. Individuals may find themselves having the same initial conversations, answering the same questions, and recounting the same personal anecdotes over and over again. This lack of novelty can lead to boredom and a sense of monotony, making the process feel like a tedious routine.

• Pressure to Perform: Societal expectations and internal desires to find a partner can create immense pressure to “perform” well on dates. This pressure can manifest as anxiety about saying the right things, looking attractive, or projecting a certain image. The feeling of being constantly evaluated can transform a potentially enjoyable experience into a stressful performance.

• Lack of Genuine Connection: Superficial interactions and a focus on presenting a perfect version of oneself can hinder the development of genuine connection. When individuals are primarily concerned with making a good impression, they may be less likely to be authentic or vulnerable, leading to shallow relationships and a feeling of disconnection.

• Disappointment and Rejection: Rejection is an inherent part of the dating process. Experiencing repeated rejections, whether through ghosting, unanswered messages, or simply a lack of connection on a date, can be disheartening and erode one’s self-esteem. The cumulative effect of these disappointments can make dating feel like a demoralizing endeavor.

• Algorithmic Fatigue: Online dating platforms often rely on algorithms to match individuals. Over time, users may experience “algorithmic fatigue,” a sense of disillusionment with the perceived limitations and inefficiencies of these algorithms. Feeling like the algorithm is not accurately reflecting one’s preferences or that the pool of potential matches is limited can lead to frustration and a feeling that the process is futile.

• Conflicting Goals: Individuals enter the dating scene with varying goals and expectations. Some may be seeking a long-term commitment, while others are looking for casual relationships or simply companionship. When these goals are not aligned, interactions can feel forced or unproductive, leading to frustration and a sense that one’s time is being wasted. Miscommunication and lack of clarity regarding intentions can exacerbate this issue.

• Focus on Quantity Over Quality: The abundance of options available through online dating can paradoxically lead to a focus on quantity over quality. Individuals may become caught up in the endless swiping and matching process, neglecting to invest time and effort in nurturing potentially meaningful connections. This superficial approach can result in a series of unsatisfying encounters and a feeling that dating is a pointless exercise.

• Unrealistic Expectations: Social media and romantic comedies often portray idealized versions of relationships and dating, which can create unrealistic expectations. When real-life dating experiences fail to live up to these idealized standards, individuals may become disillusioned and perceive the process as a chore. The pressure to find “the one” or to have a perfect romantic experience can be overwhelming and ultimately lead to disappointment.

• External Pressures from Friends and Family: Well-meaning but intrusive questions or comments from friends and family about one’s dating life can add to the pressure and make the process feel like an obligation. Feeling constantly scrutinized or pressured to find a partner can transform dating from a personal choice into a chore driven by external expectations.

• Burnout: Combining all of these factors over an extended period can lead to dating burnout. This burnout manifests as a loss of motivation, a feeling of exhaustion, and a general disinterest in pursuing romantic relationships. When dating feels like a burden rather than an enjoyable pursuit, it’s a sign that a break or a change in approach may be necessary.