I’ve noticed a pattern in my relationships – both romantic and platonic. I initially invest in getting to know people, and I genuinely enjoy their company and the connection we build. However, after a certain point, I start creating distance. I become less responsive, avoid making plans, and sometimes even become critical or argumentative, even though I don’t truly feel that way. It’s like I’m sabotaging the relationship. I value these people, and I don’t want to push them away, but I find myself doing it anyway. What are some potential reasons why I might be subconsciously pushing people away, even when I genuinely care about them and don’t consciously want to ruin the relationship? Are there specific underlying psychological factors, past experiences, or attachment styles that might contribute to this behavior? And what are some practical steps I can take to understand and address this pattern, so I can maintain healthier and more fulfilling relationships?

Answer

Pushing people away, even when you care about them, is a complex behavior rooted in a variety of potential factors. These factors often intertwine and can manifest differently in different individuals and relationships. Some common underlying causes include:

1. Fear of Vulnerability:

• Past Trauma/Rejection: Previous experiences of being hurt, abandoned, or betrayed can create a deep-seated fear of vulnerability. Opening up and letting people in again feels risky, making you anticipate a repeat of past pain.
• Low Self-Esteem: If you have a negative self-image, you may believe you are unworthy of love or connection. You might push people away to avoid the perceived inevitable rejection when they discover your “flaws.”
• Perfectionism: Holding yourself to impossibly high standards can lead to a fear of being judged or exposed. Intimacy requires imperfection, so you might distance yourself to avoid revealing your perceived shortcomings.
• Inability to Express Emotions: Difficulty expressing your emotions can make intimacy feel overwhelming or confusing. Pushing people away might be a way to avoid confronting or sharing your feelings.

2. Attachment Styles:

• Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style, often formed in childhood due to inconsistent or neglectful parenting, is characterized by a discomfort with closeness and a desire for independence. Individuals with this style may actively avoid intimacy and suppress their emotions.
• Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: This attachment style combines a desire for closeness with a fear of rejection. Individuals with this style often crave connection but push people away due to anxiety and distrust. Their behavior can be erratic and unpredictable.
• Disorganized Attachment: Arising from unpredictable or abusive parenting, this style involves a lack of a coherent strategy for dealing with relationships. Individuals may exhibit contradictory behaviors, such as seeking closeness and then pushing away.

3. Fear of Commitment/Intimacy:

• Fear of Losing Independence: Commitment can feel like a threat to your autonomy and freedom. Pushing people away might be a way to maintain control and avoid feeling trapped.
• Unresolved Issues with Past Relationships: Lingering feelings from previous relationships, such as unresolved grief, anger, or resentment, can interfere with your ability to form new, healthy connections.
• Fear of Losing Yourself: You might worry that becoming too close to someone will mean sacrificing your identity or values. Pushing them away can be a way to protect your sense of self.

4. Control Issues:

• Need for Control: Pushing people away can be a way to maintain control in a relationship and avoid feeling vulnerable or dependent. This can stem from a deep-seated fear of being controlled by others.
• Testing Boundaries: Sometimes, pushing people away is an unconscious way of testing their commitment and boundaries. You might be seeking reassurance that they will stay, even when you’re difficult.

5. Anxiety and Mental Health:

• Social Anxiety: Fear of social situations and judgment can lead to withdrawal and avoidance of close relationships.
• Depression: Depression can cause feelings of worthlessness and isolation, making it difficult to connect with others. It can also lead to irritability and withdrawal.
• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): This personality disorder is characterized by intense emotional instability, fear of abandonment, and unstable relationships. Individuals with BPD may engage in behaviors that push people away, such as splitting (seeing people as all good or all bad) or self-sabotage.
• Other Mental Health Conditions: Conditions like PTSD or complex trauma can significantly impact relationship patterns and lead to distancing behaviors.

6. Unrealistic Expectations:

• High Standards: Expecting too much from others can lead to disappointment and resentment. You might push people away because they don’t meet your unrealistic expectations.
• Fear of Disappointment: You might anticipate that people will inevitably disappoint you, so you push them away to avoid the pain of that disappointment.

7. Communication Problems:

• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Indirectly expressing your negative feelings can create distance and resentment in relationships.
• Difficulty Asserting Needs: If you struggle to express your needs and boundaries directly, you might resort to pushing people away as a way of protecting yourself.
• Conflict Avoidance: Avoiding conflict can lead to a build-up of resentment and a desire to distance yourself from others.

8. Self-Sabotage:

• Belief You Don’t Deserve Happiness: A deep-seated belief that you are unworthy of love and happiness can lead you to sabotage relationships, even unconsciously.
• Familiarity with Chaos: Sometimes, familiar patterns of chaos and instability can feel more comfortable than healthy, stable relationships.

In conclusion: Identifying the specific reasons why you push people away requires introspection and self-awareness. Reflecting on your past experiences, attachment patterns, and emotional responses can provide valuable insights. Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can also be beneficial in exploring these issues and developing healthier relationship patterns. It’s important to remember that change is possible with effort and self-compassion.